


Trying to Cope

by Alyssa_85



Category: Dan&Phil, Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Coping, Death, Friendship, Letters, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-06 02:42:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4204956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alyssa_85/pseuds/Alyssa_85
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan dies after after a car crash, leaving his best friend all alone. Or, the one where Phil is trying to cope without Dan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trying to Cope

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think I made the death scene very emotional, sorry about that (or not, depending on what you like)
> 
> I'm debating whether to put this into two parts, it's very long. So, if you don't want to read that must writing at once, let me know and I'll split it somewhere.
> 
> Trigger warning: There is a suicide letter written (there's no actual suicide, just a letter)

**May 15th, 2015**

Phil sat beside the bed, his head resting on Dan's chest, listening to the slow beat of his heart. His hand clutched onto Dan's like his life depended on it, willing the boy with the brown hair to wake up. Dan's chest rose slowly as he slept.

Despite being told little to nothing, Phil wasn't stupid. He knew Dan was dying. He knew soon enough his best friend wouldn't be lying here, breathing and occasionally lightly squeezing Phil's hand. Phil knew he'd have to learn to live without his best friend of seven years. He knew, even with his other friends, that soon enough he'd be alone. His three bedroom flat would have yet another empty room.

A hand gripped Phil's shoulder from behind, squeezing lightly.

"Phil, you need to get some rest."

"I'm fine. I'm not leaving him. He needs me."

PJ knelt down beside the bed, his hand resting lightly on Phil's knee. "I promise you'll be the first I'll call if he wakes up, or something happens. Please, Phil. Go home, get some well needed sleep."

Phil looked up at PJ with teary eyes. "What if he goes when I'm not here? What if he wakes up and I'm not the first face he sees? I need to be here, Peej."

PJ's eyes watered at the clearly broken boy in front of him. "Have you slept at all since the accident?"

"A little. I keep having nightmares." Phil's hand absently ran over the large, stitched cut on his forehead.

"Do you think if I stay you'll be able to sleep? With you knowing I'll be right here watching Dan?"

He wiped an escaped tear. "I can try I guess."

"Okay, I'll get some chairs, be back in a moment."

PJ walked out of the room, leaving Phil alone once again. Phil rested his head on Dan's chest again. "Please, Dan. You need to wake up, I can't do this alone," he whispered, tears falling. He gripped the hospital bed sheets as he sobbed into Dan's slowly rising chest. He didn't hear PJ return, dragging two chairs behind him.

"Come here, Phil." PJ pulled Phil towards him. "Put your legs on that chair, and rest your head in my lap."

Phil raised his eyebrows.

"It'll be comfier for you."

Phil smiled sadly, as he lay across the chairs. "You will wake me if anything happens, right?"

"I promise. Now, go to sleep." He stroked Phil's greasy, black hair off of his forehead. "Sleep well, Phil."

* * *

Phil woke to people shouting orders, and bustling around them. He shot up from his position on PJ's knee.

"What's going on?!"

"You need to wait outside," the nurse said, pushing PJ and Phil from the room. Phil screamed, wanting nothing more than to stay in the room, or at least be told what was happening.

"Phil, calm down." PJ grabbed Phil, hugging him tightly to his chest, his hand rubbing Phil's back in a soothing motion. It didn't work though. Phil struggled against his embrace trying desperately to get away and back to Dan.

* * *

After hours of waiting, a nurse finally came over and greeted the boys.

"Mr Lester?"

"That's me!" Phil scrambled to his feet. "Is he okay?"

She looked down sadly. "He's stable for now, but the situation's critical."

Phil scrunched his face up, PJ's arm wrapped tightly around his shoulder. "Can we see him?"

"Of course."

Phil didn't need to be told twice. He took off in a run, completely ignoring the nurses and doctors telling him to stop. He burst through the door and towards the bed in the middle of the room. He gripped Dan's hand in his own, squeezing hard just hoping to feel a little movement from the brunette in the bed. But, nothing happened. His eyelids didn't flicker, his fingers didn't entwine themselves with Phil's in a comforting way. Phil buried his head into the scratchy hospital bed sheets, crying quietly. Phil listened to the quiet beeps from the only thing keeping Dan alive, until it happened. The line went dead, a high pitch constant beep sounded through the room. Phil's fingers gripped tightly to the sheets.

"Sir, I need you to let go," a nurse said, trying to part Phil from Dan.

"No!" He screamed back, nuzzling his face further in.

"Mr. Lester, we need you to leave."

"I'm not going anywhere," he sobbed.

PJ took Phil's shaking shoulders in his hands, and wrenched him from Dan.

"I can't leave him!" Phil struggled against PJ's tight grip. PJ dragged him kicking and screaming out of the hospital room, forcing him into the waiting room. Phil fell limp in PJ's arms, crying into his chest.

* * *

PJ and Phil sat on the uncomfortable, plastic waiting room chairs. Phil stared absently across the room, completely zoned out from the world. He knew what was coming. He knew the doctors would emerge from the hospital room and reveal that Dan had passed. He knew he had to brave, he knew he couldn't let himself break down. Not here, not now. PJ's head rested against Phil's shoulder, their hands together. He absently rubbed his thumb over Phil's hand, hoping to give him even the slightest of comfort. He needed Phil to know that no mater what happened, he was there. He was going to look after him.

"Mr Lester?" The voice brought Phil back to his senses.

"Yeah? Is he okay?"

"I'm sorry, Mr Howell passed away a few moments ago. There wasn't anything we could do."

"No!" Phil screamed, hot and heavy tears falling down his face. "This can't be real!"

"Can we say goodbye?" PJ asked, squeezing Phil's hand.

"Yes, of course you can. I'll give you a few minutes."

PJ smiled. "Thank you." He pulled Phil to his feet and towards the room Dan had spent his last few weeks in, sleeping soundly.

"Peej?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I go alone?" Phil asked, weakly, his voice cracking.

"Sure. I'll be right here."

"Thanks." Phil squeezed PJ's hand, then pushed the closed door open.

Dan was laid back, the room eerily silent. No beeps of the life support machine, no faint, almost inaudible, breathing. Dan no longer had several wires hanging out of his body. He was just still. No slight movements, no rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. Nothing. He was really gone. Phil walked mechanically to the bed, his hands clenched into tight fists. He sat down in the chair beside the bed, and took Dan's hand in his own. It was cold and lifeless against Phil's own warm and alive skin.

"Dan. There's so much I want to say to you. I know there's more of a chance you can't hear this, than there is that you can, but just in case. I'm so sorry. This is entirely my fault. I'll never forgive myself for letting this happen to you." His voice cracked as he held onto Dan's hand tighter, willing himself not to cry. "You'll always be in my memory, Dan. Not a day will go by when you're not on my mind." He leant his head against his best friend's immobile chest. "I love you, Dan. Always and forever, but I know you. I know you'll want me to carry on. You'll want me to grow old, find a partner, get married and have kids. I know all of that." Phil pressed his lips against Dan's forehead. "I'll tell our story to anyone who listens. I'll tell them how you saved me just as much as I saved you."

Phil removed himself from Dan, and headed towards the door. "Goodbye, Dan." He wiped the last few tears from his cheeks, then walked out.

"Phil?"

"Go. Go say your own goodbyes. I'll be in the waiting area."

"Alright. I'll be there in a moment."

* * *

"Do you need a ride home?" PJ asked Phil after he emerged from saying his good byes to Dan.

"No thanks. I'm going to walk back, I need to clear my head," Phil replied, shoving his hood to cover his hair. "I'll talk to you soon."

"Is that wise?"

"Peej, I'll be fine. Please, I need to be on my own."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Okay. Call me when you get home, please?"

"Sure. Oh and Peej?"

"Yeah?"

Phil took a large step towards him, then pulled him close to him. "Thank you. For being here. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now, but I know I'm thankful that I had you here with me."

"I'm always going to be here for you. If you ever need to talk, I'm just a phone call away."

Phil nuzzled his face into PJ's shoulder, a new wave of tears came over him. PJ's hands drew Phil in closer, rubbing his back again.

It took a while for Phil to stop crying, whilst repeating the same words over and over again.

* * *

**May 16th, 1015**

The first night was the worst. Phil lay awake in his bed, staring at the dark ceiling. He wasn't crying. He didn't feel anything. It was like all emotion had been drained out of his body. He swung his feet from the bed, letting out a loud sigh. He decided he needed to clear his head, and Phil only knew one way to do that. He headed into the bathroom, stripped down out of his pyjamas and stepped under the warm water he'd put on just moments before.

After a good hour or two, Phil finally emerged from under the shower head, his mind scrabbled even further than it was before. He walked out of the bathroom, avoiding looking at himself in the large mirror. He headed straight for his room. He dropped the towel that he had draped around his waist, pulled on some boxers then climbed under his covers, his wet hair making the pillow under head uncomfortably damp.

Phil snuggled under the covers, closed his eyes and started to drift off into a sweet (or not so) slumber.

* * *

Phil bolted up in bed. "Dan!" He screamed, clutching his pillow to his chest. He looked around his darkened room, his eyes landing on the clock beside his bed, _04:15_. Phil dropped back against his pillows, groaning loudly. He'd woken up harshly to another nightmare, the same one as always. The same one he'd had since the accident. He wiped his hand over his sweaty forehead.

Once again, Phil swung his legs over the side of the bed. He sleepily pushed himself to his feet, and let them carry him to the living room. He stopped just outside Dan's room. Phil lingered outside the door for a few seconds, contemplating walking in. He didn't know if he was ready to see the room Dan had left behind. It'd be exactly the same as it was when they went out that fateful night, and that terrified Phil. He knew that Dan's bed would be messy because of inability to actually make it when he got up. Phil was scared to see the clothes he'd changed in and out of scattered across his floor carelessly.

Phil pulled down the cold door handle, hesitated for a moments before pushing the door open. The first thing Phil noticed was the smell. It smelt just as Phil had imagined, a sweet mixture of Dan's aftershave, and just Dan. It actually kind of surprised that after weeks it still smelt like Dan had been in there only moments ago. Phil walked in further. Dan's curtains were drawn, and just as Phil had suspected, his bed was unmade. Phil ran his fingers carefully over the top of the piano, a thin layer of dust came back on his finger. He wiped the dust off onto his boxers. Despite the time, it was already beginning to light up outside, Phil could see a thin strip of sunlight through the tiny gap in the curtains.

Phil grabbed two corners of Dan's duvet, and spread it neatly across his bed. He glanced around Dan's room, taking in every inch of it. Somehow in his gut, he knew tonight would be the last time he'd set foot in the room. He knew he could barely stand to be there. It hurt him too much.

Out of the corner of his eye, Phil noticed some clothes hanging over the back of a chair. He stumbled towards them, and picked them up delicately, as if they would fall to pieces if he was too harsh. They were Dan's favourite pyjamas. Phil remembered him pulling them out that horrible night, placing them across the chair just before they left. Phil held them close to his face, breathing in the scent of Dan. Oh how he longed for Dan to walk through that door, and tell him everything was going to be okay. Phil pulled the pyjama bottoms up his legs, revelling in the smooth fabric. He could see why Dan had loved the pyjamas so much. He climbed atop of Dan's bed, his head rested on Dan's pillow. It felt weird to him to be on his bed without Dan sitting right beside him scrolling through Tumblr.

Phil fell asleep that morning, his head smothered into one of Dan's pillows, another one hugged tightly to his chest.

* * *

**June 17th, 2015**

A month after the death of his best friend, Phil felt lost. He no longer knew what to do with himself, or the life him and Dan had created. He didn't know how to face the fans after what happened. He hadn't been on any form of social media, just in fear that he'd fully lose it. He knew he had to get through this. For Dan. The last words Dan ever said to Phil swam around his mind, like an annoying, heartbreaking fish.

He rubbed at his watering eyes with the back of his hand. Phil stared at his phone that sat idly on the table, untouched since the night Dan had died. Yeah, people had been calling him, but he didn't care. Phil didn't seem to care about anything any more. He'd gone from a happy-go-lucky dork, to a sad loner who had no means of life. At times, he wanted to end it all, just so he could be reunited with Dan, but then he remembered that Dan would never forgive him if he gave up. Even if he did follow Dan into the afterlife, Dan wouldn't want anything to do with him because he ended a perfectly good life.

Phil slumped back on the sofa, in the exact place Dan had marked with his famous 'browsing position'. The ringing of his phone screamed through the small, lonely apartment, but Phil didn't care. In fact, Phil had barely noticed the noise at all. He just sat there, staring out of the window thinking about memories of a better time. Memories of a time when Dan would be sat right beside him, reading random Tumblr posts to attempt to get him out of his unusual funks that Phil sometimes got into. Except, Dan wasn't there and this funk seemed to permanent.

Phil just wished he could feel something, other than numbness. He wished everything was different, he wished everything was okay. He wished he felt happy, or at least okay. He wasn't sure what he was. He didn't feel human any more. Almost as if when Dan was harshly taken away from him, part of Phil himself was torn from him. The side of Phil that loved everything and everyone was gone and had been replaced by a Phil that hated his own existence.

* * *

**May 15th, 2016**

A year passed, and Phil wasn't better. He still hated his lonely existence, he still hated the idea of living without Dan, but he was getting there. Slowly, but surely he was recovering from the horrors of the year before. Phil still barely slept, large bags had been formed under his eyes since the accident, not budging a bit. Every night was the same old routine, he'd go to sleep then a few hours later he would sit up screaming Dan's name. As time went on, the dreams got worse and his sleeping deteriorated more than ever. Every night Phil would wake up crying, and screaming for Dan. But he never came. He was gone and soon enough Phil would have to start living again.

Most days Phil spent just sat, leaning against Dan's bedroom door, never daring to enter again. After he'd awoken from his slumber that first night, Phil swore to not step foot in that room until it was time. Until it was time to clear it out and move on with his life. He didn't think it would be soon though, considering the large hole in his chest.

It was that time again, the time for PJ to knock hard and heavy on the front door of the flat, calling out for Phil. PJ showed up at Phil's lonely flat everyday, willing Phil out with his favourite things. Whether it be coffee, or just a good old adventure, Phil said no. He said no because every little thing made him think of Dan, and what he'd lost when he was pulled from his life forever. He's reminded that he caused all of this. He caused the accident that had killed his best friend, and he didn't like to think about that. He didn't like to think about the fact that it could have been prevented had Phil just listened to Dan in the first place.

"Phil?" He called, slamming into Phil's front door so hard he thought it was going to cave in.

As he did every time this happened, Phil blanked him. He pretended he couldn't hear the boy outside his house, clearly just wanting to be there for Phil. But what Phil wasn't expecting was for PJ to manage to get in, and sit down on the ground outside Dan's door.

"Your neighbour let me in, said he was getting sick of the banging."

"He shouldn't of done that."

"You're not taking care of yourself, Phil." PJ traced over the bags under Phil's eyes. "Are you still not sleeping?"

"What's it to you?"

"I told you at the hospital a year ago today, that I was going to be here for you. I said I'd look after you. Unfortunately, you made that hard for me. You need to stop shutting people out, Phil. I get what-"

"Don't say it."

"What?"

"Don't say the 'I get what you've been going through' bullshit. You don't know, Peej," he snapped, standing up.

"Explain to me then, Phil. Tell me exactly what you're going through and I'll try to help you get through this."

"I don't need help. I'm fine."

"That's bullshit and you know it, Phil."

"Just go away."

"No. Dan wouldn't of wanted you to break down like this."

"You don't know what an would of wanted, Peej."

"Maybe not exactly, but I do know that he'd want you to live life for the both of you. He'd want you to go on with your life, forgetting just enough so that you can survive."

Phil whimpered, his knees buckling from underneath him. PJ caught him swiftly, then pulled him to the sofa where he placed him into the soft cushions. Phil pulled his knees to his face, and buried his head between his legs as sobs ripped through him. PJ sat quietly beside him, his arm wrapped around Phil's shoulder.

"Dan would want you to keep living, Phil. We both know that."

Phil curled into PJ's side, his arms draping around his waist.

"I know. I've known what Dan would of wanted for me since before he died, I'm just not ready to let go, Peej. I'm not ready to let go of my best friend. It's not fair. Why would they take Dan? He's such a sweetheart, it should of been me!" Phil shouted, his fists clenching in PJ's shirt. "I was the cause of the accident that killed him! I should of died."

"No. No one should of died, Phil. It was a tragic accident. Don't ever blame yourself again. What would Dan do if he heard you say things like that?"

Phil sighed, his grip on PJ's shirt loosening. "He'd hug me tight and tell me to sleep on it. A good night's sleep is the way to a clear mind, or some bullshit like that."

"Exactly."

"There's just one problem with that."

"What?"

"I can't fucking sleep for more than two hours tops. How am I supposed to clear my mind with that shit?"

"I'll be right here. You slept like a baby when I stayed with you in the hospital."

"Don't you have somewhere to be?"

"The only place I have to be right now is here, helping you."

* * *

Phil and PJ stood on the small balcony, staring out over London, the mass of lights blinding from the darkness of the apartment.

"It's been a year, Peej," Phil said into the silence, finding PJ's hand and locking it with his own. "A whole goddamn year and I'm still stuck in this stupid spiral of self-loathing."

Pj gave his hand a squeeze. "I know. It really sucks that's he's gone. I still think about him every day."

"Me too. It kind of sucks. I wish there was a way I could just forget, even for just a while."

"Then why don't you?"

"How?"

"We go out tomorrow evening, try and have your first fun night since Dan died."

"It's too soon."

"No it's not. Dan was your best friend, Phil, and although none of us truly know what's going on in your head, I know Dan would of wanted you to be happy. He's not going to mind if you find a new best friend, even just for now."

* * *

**May 16th, 2016**

The next evening, Phil showered, and for the first time in over a year, looked in a mirror. He cringed at the dead, lifeless hair on his head. The dead, lifeless blue eyes that once held so much joy and happiness. The large, purple bags under his eyes where he hadn't slept properly in a long time. Even with PJ asleep right next to him, Phil rolled around horrible images flashing behind his closed eyelids.

Phil rummaged through every drawer in the bathroom, looking for something, anything, to apply to the horrible baggage. Thankfully, he came across some random eye shadow pallet. He remembered the make-over video he'd done with Dan for red nose day. He wasn't sure how he'd get the colour to not stand out evidentially against his sickly pale skin, but he knew he had to try. He opened the top, then rubbed his finger in the whiteish shade. Phil applied the colour around his eyes, masking the clear bags as best he could. Once he was sure the bags were gone, or at least masked enough, he started on his hair. He ran his hair straighteners through them for the first time in over year.

"Are you ready, Phil?" PJ called, knocking on the door.

Phil rubbed his hands on the black jeans he'd slipped into. "As I'll ever be," he sighed. No matter how not ready for this Phil was he knew he needed too. He knew he needed everyone to know that despite everything, Phil was still alive. He was still living like he would still be there in the morning. He couldn't give into the awful thoughts that had been festering at the back of his mind for months.

"Come on then, the taxi's here."

Phil slipped his phone into his pocket, took one last look in the mirror then headed out.

* * *

Phil sat in a booth, alone and feeling sorry for himself. He watched the sweaty bodies move together on the dance floor. Back in the day, he and Dan would be in that crowd, laughing and dancing like no one was watching. But here he was, just watching the crowd sadly, thinking about memories long gone. Memories he'd never be able to re-enact with his best friend.

PJ caught Phil's eye, and beckoned him to join him and his friends. Phil politely shook his head, a sad smile playing on his thin lips. PJ mouths something that Phil doesn't quite catch, but still, he nods his head once again then moves his gaze to the table in front of him. His finger traced over the weird, colourful patterns that covered the surface. Phil's mind was filled of memories of Dan and him at this very club, this very table. He didn't want to think about them, not there, not in such a public space. He desperately didn't want to cry. In an attempt to calm himself, he took his top lip between his teeth and looked up at the ceiling, trying his hardest to remove the wateriness from his eyes. Phil's gaze fell to the wall beside him, he noticed the tiny, almost invisible writing. Phil remembered Dan childishly writing it in a drunken state of mind the day they'd moved to London.

_*Flashback*_

_Dan and Phil fell into the booth, laughing loudly. They were both already completely smashed. Phil had never seen Dan so drunk, or so happy. For the first time in a long time, Dan's smile reached his eyes and his eyes sparkled in clear happiness._

_"You know, tonight has been one of the best nights I've ever had," Dan slurred._

_"I couldn't agree more."_

_"I'm so glad I stalked you for months, Phil."_

_Phil laughed, his eyes crinkling and his tongue poking out of the side of his mouth. "I suppose I'm glad too."_

_"Only suppose?"_

_"Okay, I know."_

_"Look where we are, Phil!" He shouted, raising his hands into the air._

_"We've come far haven't we? Who know that from just a few Skype calls, we'd be as close as we are?"_

_"Jut a few Skype calls? We Skyped every night for like five months! And here we are, living in London together."_

_"Dan, we lived together in Manchester as well, we've literally lived together for almost a year."_

_"Yeah, but in Manchester, I just moved in with you. Here, we picked the place together."_

_"That's true."_

_"This should be our booth!"_

_"Huh?"_

_"We should claim this booth as our own."_

_"I don't think that's how it works, Dan." He chuckled._

_"Hey, you!" Dan shouted, signalling for some girl who was walking by to come to their table._

_"Yeah?" She asked, eyeing Dan._

_"Do you possibly have a pen?"_

_"Surprisingly, I do." She fished a pen from her purse. "Have it. I'll see you around."_

_"Thanks," Dan said._

_"No worries." She walked away, waving at them._

_"What are you doing with that?" Phil questioned, a smile tugging at his lips._

_"Just watch."_

_Dan removed the lid of the pen, and leant against the wall. He wrote it in tiny letters._

_"Dan, what the hell are you doing?" Phil hissed, looking around them. Thankfully, no one was looking in their direction._

_"This," he said, running his fingers lightly over the small letters._

_Phil leant forward to take a better look. He broke out into a large smile, a smile so big it was hurting his cheeks. It was then, in that moment, he realised just how much Dan meant to him after such a short amount of time. Phil lay his hand over Dan's, grinning at him. "It's perfect."_

_"Let's go and dance before we leave."_

_Dan and Phil edged out of the booth, and headed to the dance floor. Leaving behind the small inscription. **D+P 2009-forever**._

_*End of Flashback*_

Phil wiped the escaped tear from his cheek. His fingers traced over the small letters, the way Dan's had just after they had been written. It was almost as if he could still feel the warmth of Dan's hand under his fingertips. He sighed, knowing it was all in his head. Knowing for an absolute fact that Dan's hand wasn't there, and neither was the rest of him. Dan wasn't there, and he never would be again. He said forever, who knew forever would be so soon. Who knew forever would be ripped away from Phil in just a matter of seconds.

"Is everything okay?"

Phil's head shot towards the girl that was standing beside the table, smiling down at him. "Yeah, everything's fine." Phil's eyes flickered to the writing on the wall, his bottom lip trembled.

"Can I sit?"

"Sure."

"Want to talk about it?" She asked, looking at Phil through her deep brown eyes.

"Not really. My friends brought me here to take my mind off things, I don't think talking would help."

"You're not here alone?"

"No. My friends are in the crowd somewhere."

"I see. I'm Katie by the way."

"Phil," he replied, holding my hand out for her to shake.

* * *

**June 11th, 2016**

It was Dan's birthday. Had he still been alive, he would of been twenty-fifth. Phil sat alone on the sofa, a drink in hand, singing Happy Birthday to Dan's empty seat. Yeah, he knew he looked totally insane, but he didn't care. It was Dan's birthday, and there wasn't a hope in hell that Phil wouldn't be celebrating it. He may of been alone in an empty apartment, but he didn't care. He'd said no to any plans his friends, and girlfriend had made. It was Dan's night, and Phil was celebrating it with him. Sort of.

Phil took a slice of the cake he'd made. He'd iced ' _Happy 26th Dan!_ ' on top in black. He bit into the slice, revelling in the sweet taste.

* * *

**November 21st, 2016**

It had been around a year and half since Dan had died, and Phil was getting better by the day. He didn't lock himself in his house, ignoring the world any more. He left the house, he made plans with his friends and he'd even got a nice girlfriend. He was almost happy. Sure, he wasn't quite there. He still had nightmares, the thought of Dan still brought him to tears, but he was better.

Most nights, in order to help the nightmares, he spent cuddled up to Katie, his girlfriend. She stroked his hair until his fell asleep. Although the nightmares still happened, they'd become few and far between. It was actually rare for Phil to wake up screaming, or crying. And in his eyes, that was progress. He was getting there. He knew that soon enough the nightmares would stop completely, and he'd be ready to move on.

Phil still hadn't stepped foot in Dan's room since the first night. He just couldn't bring himself too it. He did know that eventually he'd have to clear it out, he knew he'd had to sort through his things. His family had been asking Phil about anything he could give them, but Phil just hadn't brought himself to do it. Thankfully for him, Dan's family understood. They knew it was hard for Phil to go into that room and remove things from the places Dan had been keeping them in for years. It had to be done, but it was just too hard for Phil.

* * *

**December, 23rd, 2016**

Phil sat on the sofa, Katie on his left, and PJ sitting opposite them on the floor with his girlfriend, Jane. They were playing Monopoly. Phil's eyes lit up as he laughed at a joke one of them had said. For the first time in a long time, Phil felt genuinely happy. Dan's death was still there, tugging at his heartstrings, but he was happy. His smile was large, and real. He laugh sounded through the flat, lighting the place up like it did when Dan was still around.

The flat's front room was decorated this year, unlike last when Phil had just been too down to do anything. This year however, with the help of Katie, PJ and a bunch of Phil's other friends, the front room was decked up in lights, sweet smelling candles and a beautifully lit up tree, with lots of presents underneath.

"I'm going to get drinks, does anyone want anything?" Phil asked, standing up.

"I wouldn't mind a hot chocolate," PJ replied.

"I'll have the same if that's okay?" Jane said.

"That's fine. Kate?"

"I'll come help."

Phil put his hand out, and helped Katie up from her seat. They walked hand in hand to the kitchen. Katie ran and sat atop one of the sides, swinging her legs back and forth.

"How are you?" She questioned.

"Right now, I'm good," Phil answered, nodding.

"Are you sure?"

Phil took a step forwards, so he was standing in in front of her. He took her hands in his. "Kate, I'm good. Right here, with you and my friends, I feel content. Yes, Dan's still running through my mind, but for the first time in a long while I actually feel happy."

"I'm glad."

Phil kissed her lips softly.

* * *

**May 2nd, 2017**

"Are you sure you want to do this?" PJ asked, his hand on Phil's shoulder.

"It's been almost two years, if I don't do it now, it'll never get done."

"I just want you to be ready."

Phil breathed out, his hand resting on the handle to Dan's room. "I'm ready." He pushed the handle down, then opened the door. Waves of nostalgia rushed over him, drowning all the happiness Phil had worked for years to regain. The bed was still messy from Phil sleeping on it that night, the pyjamas he'd worn folded on top neatly. The clothes that had been scattered around the floor still lay there. The room smelt old, abandoned, but the scent of Dan was still faint in the air. Phil walked further, once again taking every inch of the room in. Every surface was covered in thick dust.

"It's exactly the same," Phil said, looking around.

"What were you expecting?"

"I'm not sure, but this hurts, Peej."

PJ clasped Phil's and in his own and squeezed. "I know. We can leave it for now, if that'll make it better?"

"Whether I do this now or in five years, it's not going to hurt less. It's going to be better for everyone if I do this now."

"Want me to help?"

Phil shook his head. "I think I need to do this alone."

"Okay. I'll be right in the front room."

"I'll call if I need you."

PJ hugged Phil, then headed out of the dusty room. Phil decided he needed to do it alone so no one could see the tears that steamed down his face as he cleared up his best friend's old room. Phil collected the clothes from the floor, coughing as the dust that had settled into them was pulled back into the air. He shoved the clothes in the wash basket. Phil grabbed some polish and a cloth, and began to dust off the piano.

As his fingers ran over the now dust-free piano, he was swarmed with memories of Dan teaching him to play back when they'd first met. Before they lived together, before everything.

_*Flashback*_

_"_ _You're so good at that," Phil said, his hands on Dan's shoulders._

_"Years of practice, my dear friend."_

_"Can you teach me?"_

_"You want to learn the keyboard?"_

_"Yeah," Phil replied, blushing slightly._

_"Sure. Sit down."_

_Phil sat down beside Dan, their arms brushing. Dan grabbed Phil's hand, and placed them on the keys. He pushed the fingers down, making a tune. Phil grinned at him, letting Dan take over his had movements._

_"There, now can you do that on your own?"_

_Phil pressed the keyboard keys the way Dan had. "It sounds good. This isn't teaching me anything though."_

_"Well, this is middle C." Dan pushed down the coordinating key with Phil's finger. "As soon as you learn to locate that note, you can play almost any song."_

_"Oh really?"_

_"Yeah."_

_Phil rested his head on Dan's shoulder. "Play me something?"_

_Dan turned his head, and pressed his lips to Phil's forehead. "Sure thing."_

_Phil's arms snaked around Dan's waist, hugging him tight as Dan played a small tune. He nuzzled his face into Dan's neck, resulting in Dan letting out a girly squeal. Had Phil not had a tight grip on his waist, he would of fallen sideways from the bench._

_"What's wrong?" Phil asked, looking at his boyfriend in concern._

_"I hate my neck being touched. Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."_

_"Oh. I'm sorry for touching your neck." Phil kissed his cheek. "Okay, so how do I play that piece?"_

_*Flashback End*_

He grinned at the memory. Back then everything had been so easy for them. The relationship was almost perfect, the only thing that was wrong was the distance between them. Their relationship wasn't like that when Dan had passed though, they were just friends. He remembers the conversation clearly. The one where Dan said he just wanted to be friends. Phil didn't mind though, he felt the same. Things changed, and that was that. Dan and Phil became just friends, and both were happy about that. Yet still, right now, the only thoughts running through Phil's mind were memories of the times they spent together as a couple.

_*Flashback*_

_Phil stood outside Dan's door, just listening. Dan was playing a tune, Phil didn't quite know what it was but I was beautiful nonetheless. He closed his eyes as the melody drifted into his ears. He'd travelled for hours to surprise Dan on the anniversary of the first time they met in person. Dan had been complaining to him for weeks that he'd wanted to see Phil on the day, but Phil had told him it wasn't possible._

_Phil listened contently against the door. Dan was humming quietly along to the tune he was playing. Phil was imagining Dan as he played, his eyes closed and his entire body swaying to the music. The way it always was when Dan played his keyboard._

_When the song was finished, Phil knocked lightly on the door._

_"Come in, mum," Dan called._

_"That's a weird thing to call your boyfriend," Phil replied, smiling at the boy._

_"Phil!" He yelled, flinging himself into the taller man's arms, and nuzzling his head into his his neck._

_"Happy anniversary, Bear."_

_*Flashback End*_

Phil sat down on the stool in front of the piano, his fingers brushing over the keys. He closed his eyes as he pressed the keys to play the first song Dan had ever taught him to play properly. His fingers flowed skilfully, the tune coming out soft and steady, just like it had all those years ago.

"That was pretty," PJ said, waltzing into the room.

"Dan taught me. He taught me everything I know about the piano."

"He taught you well."

* * *

Phil didn't know what he was going to do with Dan's stuff. He knew there was stuff he wanted for himself, like the piano and some of Dan's hoodies that Phil had always loved, and he also knew Dan's parents and other friends would more than likely want some of the stuff in the room, but he didn't know what to do with the rest. He pulled out Dan's drawers, placing all the clothes on Dan's old bed in three neat piles. Keep, give away, parents. The parents pile was small, and the give away one even smaller. Phil didn't want strangers to have their hands all over Dan's old things, but he also couldn't keep everything here, as much as he wanted too, it just wasn't possible.

Phil picked up Dan's Manchester University jumper up. The fabric was still as soft as it was the first time Phil had felt it. He brought the hoodie to his face, stroking it against his cheek, it still smelt faintly like Dan. Phil felt his eyes start to water for what seemed the thousandth time that day, he nuzzled his nose further into the hoodie, trying to feel close to Dan. It wasn't working though. How can you be close to someone who isn't even alive any more? You can't. That's the thing about death, it's permanent. It's a painful thought, but it's the truth.

* * *

**July 25th, 2018**

Phil looked at himself in the mirror. Three years had passed, and Phil was happy. The bags under his eyes almost non-existent, the sadness he once felt gone. Yeah, he still thought about Dan everyday, but it no longer brought him to tears. The nightmares had stopped. Everything was fine. After so long, Phil finally found the happiness he'd been trying for since Dan had died.

"Are you ready? Geez, you're worse than a girl," Katie joked, walking into the bathroom.

"I can't do this goddamn tie. Dan always did this," Phil replied, fiddling with the tie around his neck.

"You've gone this long without wearing a tie?"

"There's been no occasion."

"You're useless," she said, grinning. "Come here."

Katie tied Phil's tie, tightening it to his neck.

"Thanks." He kissed her cheek. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah."

* * *

They sat opposite each other in the booth.

"This is where we first met," Phil shouted over the loud music.

"Yeah, over two years ago now, it's insane."

"I'm so happy you spoke to me, Katie. I think if it wasn't for you I'd still be the sad, lonely person I was."

"I'm glad I make you happy, Phil."

* * *

Phil fiddled with the ring box in his pocket. He'd never proposed to someone before, and he was beyond scared. Katie was the first person he'd loved since Dan, and he couldn't imagine losing her. He didn't think he could live with losing someone else that he cared so much for. Katie sat opposite him, telling him the story of her first pet. Phil was listening, but he was always thinking about Dan. He couldn't help but have great memories of the first time Dan told him the story of his first hamster. He also had not so great memories, such as the infamous 'hat fic'. He inwardly shuddered at the thought.

"Do you want any pets?"

"When I live somewhere I'm allowed pets, definitely. I'd always begged Dan to let us get a fish, or something, but he always said no," Phil answered, thinking about all the times he'd asked Dan if they could get a pet.

"One day, we'll get a dog, yeah?"

"I'd really like that."

"Good."

"Kate, I need to ask you something." Phil took Katie's hand in his own.

"What's wrong?" She asked, her eyebrows furrowed.

He slipped out of his seat and knelt in front of her. "We've been together a long time now, Katie. When we first met, I was miserable. My best friend had died, and it was all my fault. I didn't think I'd ever get over it. But with your help, I got better. My days became brighter. You made me realise there's always going to be people in my life worth living for. You reminded me what it was like to have someone to love more than life. I love you. Will you marry me, Kate?"

Kate had tears in her eyes. "Yes! Of course I'll marry you!"

* * *

**August 17th, 2018**

Phil sat on Dan's old bed. Despite Phil's clear out, so many of Dan's things still littered the room. His Attack on Titan figurines still sat in their space on his drawers, and his Haru pillow was still laying over his pillows. Phil didn't know why he went in there so often, it still hurt. Sometimes he'd spray Dan's aftershave on his covers, and just lay beside it, taking in the smell. Phil thought it was weird, but when he needed comfort, it was the best thing for him. Even with his fiancee and friends, sometimes the only thing that can bring Phil back to himself is Dan's scent.

Before he left the room, Phil pulled on Dan's university hoodie, then went and settled down on the sofa.

* * *

**March 3rd, 2019**

Phil sat down on PJ's sofa, twiddling his thumbs as he waited for PJ to return. He'd called Phil earlier in the day telling him he had something of importance to show Phil.

"Here," Pj said, shoving a box in Phil's face.

Phil took it curiously. "What's this?"

"I don't know. It was sent to me from Dan's parents a while ago, when you were still sad all the time, but I completely forgot about it," he replied, looking sad and guilty that he hadn't given it to Phil earlier.

"Why didn't they send it to me?"

"They were scared of what you'd do with it. They didn't think you were ready to see it."

Phil lifted the wooden top of the box. It was filled with little knick knacks, and some folded up pieces of paper. Phil ran his fingers over the contents, memories of every single object ran through his mind.

"I'm going to go home and look at these, if you don't mind."

"Of course. I'm sorry I didn't give it to you sooner."

Phil hugged PJ. "Don't be sorry. I have it now, and that's all that matters. Thanks, Peej."

* * *

Phil settled down on Dan's bed, his back resting against the headboard. Dan's little lights illuminated around Phil. First thing Phil pulled out was a small plush toy he'd won Dan one time they went to the beach together, Phil remembered it clearly. He placed the toy beside him on the bed, then moved to the next item. A tiny, plastic, green ring. He'd got it when they'd pulled Phil's Christmas cracker, Phil said he could keep it as a reminder of the first Christmas they'd spent actually together.

The thing Phil noticed about every single object in the box, was some way, somehow they all had a significant meaning. They all had a truly lovely story behind them. There were some things Phil was honestly shocked Dan had kept.

There were Christmas and birthday cards aplenty.

The last thing Phil got to were the letters. He laid them out in front of him. Altogether, there were eleven. He picked up the first one, and unfolded it.

_October 23rd, 2009_

_Dear Phil,_

_It's been a day since I left yours, and I already feel as alone as I did before I came to yours. I miss you so much, and I can't wait till I can see you again._

_Dan x_

Phil smiled to himself, he remembered feeling exactly the same way after Dan left. He'd felt so alive the first time he met Dan in person, like he was on a cloud and nothing could pull him down. He knew the minute he set eyes on Dan's unpixelated face that he was in love with the brown-haired eighteen year old. Phil picked up another letter.

_June 21st, 2009_

_Dear Phil,_

_I know you'll never see this, but writing these letters to you helps me feel not so alone. For the first time in my life, I feel like I actually have someone to talk to about important, and unimportant things._

_You just accepted my friend request on Facebook, I don't think I'd ever smiled so much. Thank you._

_Dan x_

Phil's eyes watered. He remembered Dan saying something along those lines in one of their many Skype calls, and even back then it made his eyes water. He'd placed his hand upon the screen and told Dan he didn't ever need to thank him for being there. Phil wanted to be there for every single thing Dan had to say.

_October 19th, 2009_

_Dear Phil,_

_I'm coming to meet you for the first time. I must say, I'm shitting myself. I'm scared you won't like me. I'm writing this on the train, and trying not to cry. With happiness obviously. When you read this, we'd of met, and hopefully had the best time in our lives._

_Dan x_

Phil had realised by now, these were all unsent letters. Addressed to Phil, but never received.

_December 21st, 2009_

_Dear Phil,_

_I really hope this got to you in time. If it did, Merry Christmas. If not, Merry (late) Christmas. I miss you. I can't wait to see your beautiful face on Skype for Christmas, it'll be the best present I've ever received._

_I know I'm coming up to see you tomorrow, but I still want you to get something delivered to your house from me._

_Dan x_

_January 15th, 2010_

_Dear Phil,_

_I want to come back!!!! I miss you, and I want to go see Avatar again! Hope you're okay, looking forward to seeing your pixelated face on Skype!_

_Dan x_

_February 14th, 2010_

_Dear Phil,_

_It's valentines day and I can't be there with you. I wish I could snuggle with you on your sofa whilst we watch Disney movies and eat a shit tonne of popcorn. I wish I could lean over you kiss your lips whenever possible. As fun as India is, I wish I could be there with you on this special day. Or any day in fact._

_I miss and love you._

_Dan x_

_August 19th, 2011_

_Dear Phil,_

_I move in with you tomorrow. You have no idea how excited I am to live with you. Being able to wake up next to you every morning. Being able to eat your home cooked meals, and lounge about with you every. Single. Day._

_I'm fully packed, just waiting for tomorrow to happen._

_Dan x_

_November 1st, 2012_

_Dear Phil,_

_We're not getting along at the moment. I know it's my fault, but I know I have nothing to apologise for. You fucked up big time, Phil. You know how private I was about everything, yet you were stupid enough to let this happen. You can apologise all you like, it means nothing. There's nothing you can do that can make this better. That video will never be a private thing between us again, and it's all your fault._

_Dan._

Phil wiped tears from his eyes. He knew the video Dan was talking about, and he knew Dan was right. Every now and then that video would pop up, and haunt Phil. He could remember the few months after it blew up, he and Dan were tense and uncomfortable around each other. Dan was because he was angry at Phil for even making the video itself, and Phil was because any time they were near each other, Dan would shout. He would insult Phil, and when he wasn't insulting him he was ignoring him completely. Late October was a bad time for them both.

_November 13th, 2012_

_Dear Phil,_

_I called off our relationship today. It hurt to do, but I think it was for the best. Hopefully now, after months of arguing all the time, we can get back to how we started. Friends. I want nothing more than for you and I to get back to the place we're supposed to be. I desperately don't want to lose you._

_I still love you, and maybe I always will, but we'll be okay now. I really REALLY hope we will._

_Dan_.

_October 19th, 2009_

_Dear Phil,_

_I'm writing this as you sleep beside me. I have terrible insomnia, so sleeping doesn't come very easily to me. You look cute when you sleep, sorry if that sounds really creepy. I just like the way your eyelids flicker as you dream of the unknown. You also talk in your sleep, which is super cute._

_I've only been here for less than 24hrs, and I'm already having the best time._

_Dan x_

_January 1st, 2013_

_Dear Phil,_

_It's a new year, and new us. There have been no arguments between us since we broke up, and I couldn't be happier. It's been so nice to live in a flat with no late night shouting matches, or our friends asking constantly if we're okay. And we are, and I'm happier than ever about that._

_Dan x_

Phil re-folded the last of the letters as his tears fell. He couldn't understand why Dan hadn't ever showed them to him, some of them were cute, other not so much, but that didn't matter to Phil. What did matter was these letters. In a way, they were Dan's story. A way for Phil to stay close to him, despite how far he was away.

 Phil carefully placed every back neatly into the wooden box. He placed it on top of his own chest of drawers, and leant a picture of Dan against it.

* * *

**April 17th, 2019**

"Why are we playing hide-n-seek?" PJ asked.

"It's my bachelor party, and I want to play hide-n-seek."

"Alright. Go hide then, I'll count."

Phil ran out of the lounge, and to Dan's room. He slid into Dan's wardrobe, only for the floor to give way on him. He stepped out, and lifted the flooring out. Underneath was a small sheet of paper. Phil fished it out, then sat down on Dan's bed, his eyes scanning over the paper.

_Dear whoever is reading this (I presume it's you, Phil),_

_It's currently the 13th of November in the year 2011. I'm sat in my room, loud music on and writing this note. It's going to be a sad one, one that you won't be able to question when you find it._

_The last few months have been a real downfall for me. Yes, I'm living with my amazing boyfriend (I do love you, Phil), in a sweet little flat. But it's not subsiding the pain I'm holding inside. Every day a little more of my falls apart. I can't stand this. I can't stand feeling like I'm not good enough. All I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up. And that's exactly what I'm going to do._

_Phil, I know you've been doing your best to make me okay again, but it's not working. I appreciate it, I really do. But I can't do this any more. Living a normal life isn't supposed to suck you dry of your happiness. It's not supposed to be a struggle to get out of bed every morning, knowing that you're going to have a shit day._

_When you read this I'll be gone, and there'll be nothing anyone could do about it, and for that I am sorry. I'm sorry I'm too afraid to say goodbye in person, I don't want anyone trying to talk me out of this. I need to do it. I need to be okay again, and this is the only way._

_Phil, I want you to go on with your life. I want you to grow old, get married and have kids. I want you to love again. I don't want you to be held up on me for years to come, I could never forgive myself for that. When you join me wherever you go when you die, I want you to have lived a long and happy life. I'll kill you if you haven't._

_I'll be watching over you, for the rest of time with tear filled eyes._

_Dan_

Phil was full-on sobbing, clutching the letter in his hands. He couldn't believe what he'd just read. He knew Dan was in a bad place, but what he didn't know was that he was suicidal. Phil could remember that day. Phil walked into Dan's room, he'd shoved something under his covers and he had tears in his eyes. Phil had questioned him, but he just said it was a letter from a fan and that it was personal to her. Phil hadn't suspected anything, and that killed him. How could he not realise that Dan was that bad?

"You're not very good at this game, Phil," PJ said as he walked into the room. "What's that?"

Phil thrust the letter at him. PJ's eyes scanned down the letter, his hand covering his mouth.

"Dan was suicidal?"

"Apparently so."

"Where did you find this?"

"Dan had hidden it under the wooden bits in his wardrobe, obviously thinking I would never find it." Phil broke down. "How did I not realise, Peej?"

"This letter doesn't matter."

"What makes you say that?"

"He didn't do it. He didn't commit suicide. He got better and I can only put that down to one thing."

"What's that?"

"You. You saved him. More than once. Remember that, Phil."

"I practically killed him."

PJ slapped Phil hard across the face.

"What the hell?!"

"It's been years, do not start blaming yourself again!"

"I never stopped. I've always blamed myself, because it was my fault."

"Don't do this to yourself again, Phil. You've been okay for far too long to fall back into this. Put this with the rest of the things in that box, and come back to the living room we'll watch something."

* * *

**May 1st, 2019**

Phil and Kate shared their first kiss as a married couple to the sound of cheering and clapping. Phil's arm stayed wrapped tightly around her waist as he looked over the crowd of friends and family that had turned up to his wedding. He couldn't be happier with the turn out, it was more than he'd ever dreamed of. Kate leant her head against his shoulder.

"I didn't know Dan, but I do know he would of been so proud to of been here today," Kate said.

Phil squeezed her. "Thank you for saying that. I can't deny it. He's probably looking down smiling at how lucky his best friend got. I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

**October 19th, 2019**

It would be the ten year anniversary of the day Dan and Phil finally met in person. Phil celebrated it by sitting happily on Dan's bed, his heavy pregnant sat beside him. He told her all the stories, just like he'd promised Dan he would. He explained fully how Dan had borderline stalked Phil until he decided they had a lot in common and that's how the greatest friendship Phil had ever experienced started.

In the years they'd been together, Phil didn't speak to Katie much about Dan, it hurt him too much, so she couldn't be happier that here he is, opening up and telling her all the stories he'd been keeping inside. He told her all about the first time he and Dan had kissed, the first time they'd met in person. How it was so romantic that just thinking about it brings tears to Phil's eyes. Sure, Phil didn't love Dan as more than a friend, but once upon a time he did. Once upon a time, Dan was the only person Phil could imagine growing old and having a family with.

"He truly sounds amazing, Phil," Kate said softly.

"He was." Phil rubbed Kate's large tummy.

* * *

**October 21st, 2019**

The birth of Danielle Lester. Kate had gone into labour late on the nineteenth. Phil cradled the little girl in his arms, cooing at her. She had his eyes, the piercing blue that stood out against the pale skin. She had Katie's brown hair.

"She's beautiful," Phil said, through tear filled eyes. He leant down and kissed Kate's sweaty forehead. "Well done, Sweetheart. I'm proud of you."

She grinned up at him. "I'm so happy, Phil."

"Me too."

* * *

**May 15th, 2029**

It had been seventeen years to the dot that Dan had died. Phil sat on his bed, with the wooden box. He'd read each letter several times, smiling to himself. He liked to remember how far he'd come since Dan had died. He was now married with two kids, Danielle aged ten, and Lewis aged three. Phil knew Dan would of loved them. Phil could imagine Dan coming round and playing games with the kids as they grew up. Danielle refers to him as 'uncle Dan', which Phil always found adorable. He wasn't really sure why she did it, she'd never had the absolute pleasure of meeting him. She says it's because by the way her mother and father talk about him, she felt like he was part of the family.

A few years ago, Phil had to leave their old flat behind. He'd brought a four bedroom house, with a large garden for the kids and dog to play in. All of Dan's things that Phil didn't have the courage to part with sat in the small attic room.

"Dad?" Danielle called, knocking on the door.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?" She asked, looking at his tear streaked face.

"Don't worry about me, darling. It's just one of those days."

"Want me to call uncle PJ?"

Phil chuckled, opening his arms for a hug. "That's okay. Shall we get mummy, and Lewis then go to dinner?"

"Yeah! Where are we going?"

"I'm not sure yet, we'll figure that out on the way."

Danielle bounded out of the room calling for her mother, leaving Phil alone once again. He kissed each and every item as he placed them back into the box. "Until next year." He slipped the box back onto the drawers, and headed out of the room.

* * *

**September 19th, 2032**

Phil was dying. He knew it. His family knew it. He'd been diagnosed with cancer, and no matter what the doctors did, nothing helped. Phil knew it was his time, and he was ready to welcome death with open arms. His daughter clung to his hand, crying. Lewis wasn't old enough to fully understand what was happening, but the sight of his family in tears set him off too. Sure, Phil was heartbroken. He didn't want to leave his family behind, he loved them more than life itself, but death means one thing. The possibility of seeing his best friend again. He knew it was a bad thought, he just couldn't help thinking it.

Phil knew it was the last time his family would see him alive, he could tell death was coming. He could tell he was going to go before they could see him again. Whether it be in his sleep, or before visiting hours, he wasn't sure, but it was coming.

"Danielle, give your father a big hug." Phil held out his arms, which Danielle fell into easily. "I love you so much, Dani. You know that, right? I need you to look after your mother."

The twelve year old clung to her father. "Don't say that as if I'm never going to see you again."

"I love you." He kissed her cheek. He moved onto Lewis, hugging him tight and telling him he loves him. "Danielle, can you take your brother and wait outside?"

"Sure," she said, her voice cracking. She threw herself into Phil's arms once more. "I love you, Dad. Promise I'll see you tomorrow?"

Phil didn't say anything, he just watched his children leave the room for what he thought would be the last time. When they were finally alone, Katie broke down. Sobs racking through her body, she rested her head on Phil's chest, the way Phil had when Dan was dying. He smiled slightly.

"Is this is?" She asked.

"I think so. I don't think I'm going to be here in the morning, Kate," Phil replied, his own voice cracking.

"You'll be in a better place though, right?"

"No where is better than being with you and our beautiful kids, but pain wise, definitely."

"I love you so much."

"I love you more, Kate."

"Say hey to Dan for me? You know, if you see him."

"I promise."

"Visiting times are over," a nurse said, opening the door.

Katie broke down, hands tangled in the sheets.

"I'll look out for you, Dani and Lewis always. I love you."

Katie lightly placed her lips against his. "I'll miss you."

"And I you."

He kissed her one last time, then watched her walk away.

* * *

**September 20th, 2032**

_Dan and Phil walked through the streets, joking, laughing and genuinely being the dorks they were. They signed a few things, and took a few pictures with fans, but other than that it was a simple night._

_"Let's get drunk," Phil said, as they passed a bar._

_"Sounds good to me."_

_They walked into the bar, the overpowering stench of alcohol filled their nostrils making them scrunch up their noses._

_\---_

_"Dan wait up!" Phil yelled, chasing after the brunette._

_"I bet I can cross the road with my eyes closed," Dan said, staring out into the empty roads._

_"Don't be stupid, that's the most dangerous thing you've suggested you could do."_

_"No really. I bet I could walk, with my eyes closed, straight to the other side."_

_"Don't be dumb, Dan. Seriously."_

_Dan closed his eyes, and began his journey. Phil looked warily either way down the road. He heard the car before he saw it, screeching tyres as they tried to avoid the boy in the road. "Da-_

* * *

**September 21st, 2032**

Philip Michael Lester. Time of death, 3:49am on the 21st of September.

* * *

"Dan?"


End file.
